Things I can’t change today:
I have a doctor’s appointment
I have to work right after
I can’t text my friends, my own fault
Everyone else has lives and are going to continue their day with our without you in it
She cares about more than one person, not just one like you
She slept over at her friend’s house. That’s it. That’s done
She’s going to text a lot of other people today and still be happy. Because she is happy.
Things to remember:
Today will be difficult, but it’s not the end of the world
It’s going to get better but only with time
She told you that she loves you, forever and always.
She believes it’ll be okay too.
She just wants you to get better which is why she talked to you
You’re different than everyone else. SO things will be different with you
Just concentrate on yourself today. If you start thinking bad just take a deep breath and talk to someone or do something
Things I can’t change today:
This morning she woke up with a full mind, unable to fall back asleep. As she lay there with her eyes closed, the only things she could think of were the questions left unanswered. She wondered why things were different now. Or more difficult to achieve happiness. Why the excitement to see her had gone away to a point that she believes she doesn’t want to see her at all anymore.
I’m not too sure why I let myself do this. I make one person my everything. Not relationship wise, friendship wise. I get so attached it’s exhausting. To a point where I drive that person insane. I drive myself crazy too.
They hold all my happiness. And I let it happen. I base my entire day or night off when I get to see or talk to this person. And when they can’t be there, I shut down. I break down and I’m a terrible mess. And I tell myself the only way I can feel better is if they give me attention.
That’s not fair. Not fair to myself and that person. I just get upset at them for things that are unreasonable and crazy.
Because what happens is they find something better and leave me there with my anxiety and depression. And it completely ruins me.
I’m broken into a million tiny pieces. Impossible to get myself back into one, whole, happy piece. I’m a complete mess. This entire week has been terrible for me. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how long I can last like this. It’s just too much.
It’s a Friday night and we’re supposed to be going out with our friends to go have some drinks. We haven’t seen each other all week because we both had work and class.
A few hours before we are supposed to go out, you get a call from work to go work the night shift. I get a text from you saying,
"I can’t make it tonight babe.. I just got called into work and you know how my boss is. I’m so sorry, I miss you so much. Have fun without me ok?"
Frowning, I reply back and continue to get ready. I was really excited to see you, I missed you so much.
I meet up with our friends but it doesn’t feel right. The entire time I just keep on imagining what it would be like if you were there. The things you would say, how you would laugh. The way you would brush your leg against mine under the table. Play with my fingers in your lap.
I look at the time, “10:32 P.M.”
I grab my keys and leave. I just tell everyone I was getting tired.
I get in the car, and drive down the street. But rather than turn right to go home, I turn left towards your house.
I wait in your room after telling your mom I wanted to surprise you. I keep imagining how happy you’re going to be when you open the door after a long night at work. The way you would gasp and smile at the same time. With your hair up in a pony tail in your black blouse. I roll onto my side on your bed and giggle. I can’t wait to see you.
A half hour later I hear you come into your house. You drop your keys on the counter and I can hear you walking down the hall. I sit up. Even though I’ve seen you so many times, the butterflies still bounce around in my stomach like crazy. You open the door and turn on the light. When I see your face, it’s even more beautiful and elegant than I was picturing it. You gasp, cover your mouth. Your hands drop, and you’ve got the stupidest smile on your face.
You drop your bag and walk towards me on the bed. Your hand finds it’s way behind my neck and you pull my closer for a kiss.